Belief Audit: How Your Mental Inventory Shapes Your Life’s Trajectory.
Your beliefs are like table legs, holding everything in your world upright and balanced. They’re your way of being certain about something, and the thought of questioning them can feel like pulling out a leg and risking the entire table crashing down.
But here’s the thing: if you never question your beliefs, you may be playing much smaller than you realise. You could be blocking yourself from the very things you want most—joy, meaningful relationships, and days that don't own you. When the need for certainty drives your world, it becomes small because you need things to be a certain way to feel safe. It’s like living your life by an operating manual without realising there have been countless software upgrades since you last checked.
If you keep making decisions based on that outdated manual, it’s no wonder you’re not getting the results you want, despite doing everything “right.” Most of your beliefs were installed years ago—by a parent, a teacher, an old boss, or a past relationship—and they may no longer serve who you are or where you want to go.
To operate at your highest capacity, you need to do an internal audit. Which beliefs serve you, and which ones sabotage you? Which ones protect you from hurt but also block you from joy, connection, and taking the risks that move your life forward?
I see this play out daily with the executives, leaders, and CEOs I work with. Many are overworked and feel the need to control everything and everyone around them. They struggle to ask for help, believing they need to have all the answers, and can’t take more than five minutes for themselves without guilt. While these behaviours appear to be choices on the outside, they’re driven by deeply rooted beliefs about who they think they’re supposed to be in the world.
In this article, I aim to share the three most common belief patterns I encounter and demonstrate how, by questioning them, you can begin to change the trajectory of your life. It’s one micro-choice at a time that shapes where your time, energy, and attention go. Notice which beliefs resonate with you, and let’s explore how you can start upgrading your internal software.
Beliefs About Saying No.
Many people block out time for themselves in their calendars—colour-coded, clearly labelled, with the best of intentions. But then someone asks for help or a quick review, and that carefully guarded time slot evaporates with a “No problem, I’ll help you.” They figure that at least they’re being helpful and can just catch up on their own work tonight, after hours...again.
Saying no doesn’t have to sound like, “No, I won’t help you.” It can simply be:
“I’m in the middle of something I need to finish today. How does your afternoon look?” “When do you need this by?” “Can we look at this tomorrow?”
It’s about managing expectations while keeping the promise you made to yourself first. Of course, there are true emergencies, but if you’re honest with yourself, you’ll realise you’re assuming everything is urgent.
What drives this self-cancelling behaviour? Beliefs like:
If I say no, I’ll disappoint them.
If I say no, it means I’m a bad person.
If I say no, I’ll lose connection and a sense of belonging.
If I say no, they’ll think I’m not a team player.
If I say no, I’ll lose my identity as the helpful one, the fixer, the problem solver.
If I say no, they might go to someone else, and I’ll miss an opportunity—or they’ll never ask me again.
These beliefs once served you. They may have helped you build your career, create connections, or feel valued. But if you want to grow and evolve, these beliefs become liabilities. As Marshall Goldsmith famously says, what got you here won't get you there.
Shifting these beliefs will initially feel uncomfortable because it may seem like you’re letting others down or letting yourself down. But to let go of the old belief, you need to trust a new one. This means behaving differently in small, consistent ways. You can start by telling someone, “I’d love to help, just not right now,” and see what happens. Most of the time, they will happily find a time that works for both of you. You’ll see you haven’t caused damage, and in fact, your world will begin to open up.
When you honour the commitments you’ve made to yourself, you complete your work during the day instead of catching up late at night. You get to own your day again. Of course, there will be exceptions, but let them be the exception, not your default.
If you find yourself constantly on the edge of burnout, ask yourself: How many times a day am I breaking the promises I’ve made to myself for the sake of others?
To start rewriting this belief, consider adopting these new perspectives:
People love me for who I am, not just for what I do for them.
I am enough. I don’t need to keep proving my worth.
When I protect my boundaries and complete my work, I contribute more meaningfully.
If these don’t resonate with you, find beliefs that do. The point is to poke holes in your old narrative so you can see there are other, more empowering ways. Your manual is outdated, and it’s time for an upgrade.
You can still be helpful, a giver, a fixer, and the go-to person. But you don’t need to self-forget in the process.
Beliefs About Asking for Help.
This one is the first cousin of not saying no. Often linked to the inability to say no is the belief that if I support others, they will support me in return. That I don’t need to tell people what I need; they will just know.
If this sounds familiar, you also know how it usually ends. People can’t meet needs they are unaware of. When others don’t behave as you silently expected, you end up feeling frustrated, disappointed, and resentful.
Here are some beliefs that often sit beneath the struggle to ask for help:
If I ask for help, people will think I don’t know what I’m doing.
If I ask for help, people will question my authority because I’m supposed to know everything.
If I ask for help, I place a burden on others.
Asking for help doesn’t have to look desperate or weak. An upgraded version of asking for help is delegating. If you believe you have to do everything yourself and can’t delegate or ask for input, notice if these beliefs are running in the background:
If I don’t do it, it won’t get done.
No one can do it as well as I can, so I may as well do it.
It will take longer to teach someone, so I may as well do it myself.
Reflect on how these beliefs impact your personal and professional life.
Interestingly, I’ve noticed that many of my clients have no problem asking for help at work. They delegate, lean on their teams, and request input with conviction and confidence. But asking for help becomes trickier in their personal lives.
Sometimes, asking for help is as simple as letting your partner or family know that you need time for yourself to work on a project or study. But instead of telling them, you accept an invitation to Sunday lunch, even though you’re drowning in deadlines, and you end up feeling resentful, overwhelmed, and panicked.
It can also look like managing expectations when you get home. Maybe you need half an hour to decompress before engaging with family. Still, if you don’t communicate this, you end up feeling ambushed by demands, withdrawing, or snapping to protect your energy. You end up snapping because you fear something being taken away from you, such as your freedom, downtime, or space.
Asking for help is simply stating what you need:
“Could you give me half an hour, and then I’ll be fully present.” “Can you handle the kids tonight? I need to finish something for work.”
If asking for help feels uncomfortable, it’s worth questioning the beliefs stopping you. You are not meant to do it all alone. Asking for help is not a weakness; it’s a conscious choice to take responsibility for your well-being, your time, and your energy while allowing others to support you in the process.
Beliefs About Having Difficult Conversations.
This is one of the most interesting beliefs to unpack because it has many angles. I’ve had numerous conversations with both male and female clients who tend to default to avoidance when it comes to difficult conversations.
A common belief is:
If I confront this person or hold them accountable, it will turn into conflict.
When I ask what “conflict” means to them, the belief often sounds like:
They’ll get angry, start shouting, or cause even more chaos.
When we dig deeper, this belief often traces back to childhood patterns—growing up with a parent who would explode during disagreements, or to earlier career experiences with managers who would lose their temper.
Here’s the challenge with this belief: your intention may be to maintain peace and avoid discomfort, but the impact is that the issue persists. Silence becomes permission, and the other person doesn’t change their behaviour.
Another version of this belief sounds like:
“It’s only something small, so I’ll just let it go.”
At first, it seems harmless to let it slide once or twice, but resentment begins to build. It accumulates, and eventually, the other person could sneeze the wrong way, and you snap. What started as something “small” becomes an eruption that feels out of context for the other person.
The very thing you wanted to avoid—discomfort and disconnection—is exactly what you create by holding onto the belief that it’s better to let things go.
A more empowering belief to adopt is:
When I feel strongly about something, even if it feels small, it’s worth addressing calmly and early.
This doesn’t mean reacting in the heat of the moment. Give yourself time to calm down first. Never have the conversation while triggered or angry. Then, approach the person and say:
“I know this may sound small, but when you said X yesterday, it made me uncomfortable or that you don't trust me with this decision. Can we chat about it?”
Remember, you can use your words with kindness and calm. It doesn’t need to be aggressive or harsh.
If you feel yourself getting triggered during the conversation, use an activation word to anchor yourself: pause, breathe, patience, grace, listen. These words remind you how you want to show up.
You can’t control the other person’s response, but you can control your own presence and intention.
Have the conversation and prove to yourself that avoidance is not the solution. Honest, compassionate conversations will always yield a better outcome. Once you experience that addressing things directly prevents pain and provides peace, you will become braver, bolder, and better equipped to handle the conversations that matter most.
The Way Forward.
Byron Katie reminds us that any suffering—whether it’s anxiety, sadness, anger, resentment, apathy, or guilt—stems from uninvestigated thinking. It is not the situation itself but the thought you attach to it that triggers the emotional reaction.
When you believe you cannot ask for help, you will feel claustrophobic, overwhelmed, and stressed. When you believe you can never say no, you will feel resentful and exhausted. When you believe you cannot have difficult conversations, you will feel tense and disconnected.
Beliefs are hard-wired, and it takes time and conscious effort to update them. Here is a simple process to begin questioning your beliefs, adapted from Byron Katie’s Inquiry:
Is it true?
Can you absolutely know that it’s true?
Who are you when you believe this thought? How do you feel? How do you act towards others and yourself?
Who would you be without this thought? How would you feel? What would you say or do?
When you notice that clinging to an uninvestigated thought creates stress, disappointment, or anger, you create the opening to let it go and move back into a state of neutrality, calm, and clear action.
The final part of this process is the turnaround, where you state the opposite of your belief. For example, if your belief is:
“If I say no, I will disappoint them.”
The turnaround could be:
“If I say no, I won’t disappoint them.”
“If I say no, I will disappoint myself. ”
This second turnaround often holds the deeper truth: when you say yes to everyone else, you are constantly saying no to yourself and disappointing yourself.
Final Thoughts.
Your beliefs give you certainty, which is why you cling to them, even when they no longer serve you. Some beliefs may still support your growth, but many are outdated, invalid, and the hidden source of your suffering.
Start getting curious. Observe yourself with compassion:
When do you say yes but mean no?
When do you stay silent but want to speak up?
When do you push through alone but need help?
Behind every action lies a belief and an identity that drive it. When you can identify these, you can begin forming new beliefs that align with who you are becoming, not who you were.
Upgrading your manual is not about becoming someone else; it’s about coming home to yourself, clear, calm, and intentional.
Because at the end of the day, your beliefs shape your choices, and your choices shape your life.
Here’s to upgrading your manual and choosing the life you truly want.
Warm wishes,
Lori